divine magnet

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Jono Tosch

 

COMPLETE

Shane Title

a heavily edited, totally awesome live transcription of Shane:

pee breaks, snacks breaks, text messages, hand stretching, cigarettes,

and an awesome showdown between salad and a yogurt cup



Birds chirp loudly as Shane approaches, salad in hand.

A Caribou calmly waddles in a puddle.

Didn’t expect to find any salad around here.

I wouldn’t call that salad. I’d call that lettuce.

Well, I like a boy who calls lettuce salad.

Means he’ll grow up strong and straight.

Metal clanks off camera.

Smell of celluloid in the cabin.

Marion wishes Joe wouldn’t talk.

An out-of-period Parmesan cheese shaker

gently vibrates the table.

A warm hand touches the homesteader

inside each of us—Shane loses his shirt.

The stump comes out!

Never seen a caribou drink from a bucket.

Look how calmly he drinks.

Little Joey is just itching for some bullets.

Shane is to stay for breakfast.

It’s time to haul that load of wire!

Joe should be careful not to chop off his foot!

Could you whip him, pa?

Could you whip Shane?

Ernie Wright says he’s pulling up his stakes.

Somebody’s been poking his finger into too many pies.

Grafton’s been holding Stark’s wire for a spell.

Shane is looking for some ready-made pants.

Chris needs to take his hat off

So Chris takes his hat off.

Money don’t go far these days.

Not with all these salads around.

Chris just fumigated a sod buster.

Shane wouldn’t know a Riker from a salad.

The Riker boys think they own all the salad on the range.

Sound of hooves gently compressing salad.

The soda pop arrives on time.

THAT’S IT CHRIS. KEEP THEM SQUATTERS ON THE MOVE.

Sodey pop?

Let me take that salad, chris.

Chris isn’t eating his salad.

It’s raining and Joe doesn’t want to talk scare.

Joey looks on through a hole in the wall.

You know…

It’s gittin so I don’t like to eat salad at night.

There is a tiny embroidered picture of the grandmother on the wall

and a hand-carved ladle.

Joey shows early signs of being a peeper.

they’re talking about shane

(shane didn’t let them do that)

Joey, you shouldn’t get to liking Shane too much.

Why ma?

Because Shane will catch his death of colds.

Tense little logs and purple mountians

are the backdrop for hitching up the team.

One thing a married man has gotta get used to

is waiting for his salad.

Joe is pontificating and looking super on his big day

so he adds:

Sometimes the salad is worth it.

MARION: You think I can get this salad ready

in the time it takes you to hitch up a team?

Marion mounts the carraige without her salad.

Little bits of cous-cous-like fireworks

spurt over the prairie.

The Riker boys throw darts into the chest of the creek.

The mud here seems too deep for the horses.

I need four pounds of vapor and one pound of salad.

Is that all I get for my money,Grafton?

Shane passes through the bland white center of a head of Boston red leaf lettuce

and things get dark.

I guess you don’t hear very well sod buster.

You better get back inside with the women and kids

where the salad is.

You didn’t think you were gonna come in here and eat salad with the men?

Shane did think he was gonna eat salad with the men.

Bartender, two salads.

A man shouldn’t have to eat his salad alone.

Shane perfunctorily throws his whole salad on Chris

and Chris falls down.

You guessed it, bartender. Two salads for the men

and four plates for the women.

[broken tables]

[joe stabs his salad in the dark]

Punching:

This is bad, this is bad

bad salad.

PLOW HIM UNDER CHRIS

KNOCK HIM INTO THAT PIG PEN CHRIS

[little Joe bites the end off of a large candy can]

Lemme have him.

Lemme have him.

stop this men!

[salad seems to be remiss]

here men stop this!

[salad still remiss]

Joey, git outa here.

There’s too many salads.

RIKER:

You don’t belong on the end of a shovel.

Whatever he’s paying, I’ll pay double.

Why you dirty slinkin old man!

Shane isn’t looking for anything he doesn’t already have.

We’re gonna rough you up a bit

and ride you outta this valley.

hold on joey

this is where shit gets really fucked up:

SHANE THERE’S TOO MANY

!!!!!!!!!!!!!{little joey and his candy cane}!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Riker says he’ll pay all the damages.

Shane’s face looks like someone slapped it with a ten pound raspberry

and then slapped it with a tennis racket.

THEY’RE ALL TRYING TO KILL HIM IN THERE!

Joe Stark grabs an axe handle

and starts takin names.

Bust him in half. Kick his brains in.

The salad still seems to be so remiss.

There aren’t too many good lunch places around here

not on this range, not with all these broken tables.

There could never be enough lunch places for all this fighting.

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC Headline:

One man whoops several men, Looks for open lunch place

Fools! You’ll all get killed!

Riker ain’t payin for this lunch.

I’m paying for it.

Me and Shane.

Grafton’s big speech commences over many broken bottles.

He starts to utter s a l a d,

he restrains himself and snaps his supenders.

Little flakes of freeze-dried potato drift onto the floor.

{back at home}

Marion dresses Shane’s and Joe’s headwounds.

This turpentine is going to hurt.

Shane would say something if it hurt bad enough.

Little Joey has unrealistic ideas about hurt.

He loves Shane almost as much as he loves his dad.

GOODNIGHT SHANE!

(it gets better)

(a french horn blows horse-shaped smoke onto the plains)

DINNER, MINE,

NOT SHANE’S,

BREAK

enter the dark gunslinger, Jack Wilson

sweet violins polish the cabin

bulls stampede through Ernie’s fences.

(they killed his sow last night)

If Shane caught someone cutting their fence

he’d ask them to please use the gate.

You want me to tell you something Shane?

I saw your salad the other day Shane.

Joey keeps looking where he ought not look.

Shane teaches Joey a thing or two about salad,

touches his pants to show him his holster’s too low.

Shoot that little white rock over there Shane!

BANG!

and these are Shane’s hard-learned words of advice:

When your salad comes up

be sure you still have room to shoot it.

Enter Marion:

He’s teaching me to shoot my salad, mom.

Salad isn’t gonna be my boy’s life.

A salad is a tool, Marion.

No better no worse than any other tool.

A salad is as good or bad as the man using it.

SCENE:

Riker sits in the dark

eats large hunks of brie off a knife.

The reb wants to tell him something about manners.

You ain’t teaching me no manners Rika!

I could knock the whiskey right off your head.

You caint scare me any more en you can Joe Start.

Here’s to the independence of more broken tables.

Here’s to the independence of walking around

with your hat off.

Cute, high spirited music and salad.

Shane got thirsty and smashed all the salad.

The Swede has something very important to tell you:

It’s Independence day except for one man.

A piano ballad rolls over the homestead like a biscuit.

My baked potato is almost done.

I love gnats.

Not gnats, SHANGE. SORRY, SHANE.

(I can’t remember the last time you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee)

PAUSE

Riker has something to lay on the barrelhead:

One case of yogurt for Stark’s salad.

You made things pretty hard for us Riker

and us in the right all the time.

Right! You in the right!

I’ll put yogurt all over your homestead!

We had rough times

me and other men mostly dead now.

We made this salad.

Founded it with blood.

We broke ground for that grocery store you like!

But then some rawhide moves in,

fences me off from water,

and some of them like you plow ditches

and I have to move all of my yogurt around

and you say I have no right?

It’s too dark to smell my yogurt!

Stark starts talking some double talk.

Jack Wilson drinks paint from a tin cup.

BUM BUM BUM BUM

GO THE FRENCH HORNS

texzt message from earl - “get me some water”

It’s a long story

But it goes something like the sound of shhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

CHAPTER

losing interest

getting bored

hands getting tired

DAN, DAN DAN GO THE TRUMPETS

Why don’t we just gun him and get on with it?

Well, think about it this way, Jack:

If we gun him and he has all the salad

and I do mean all the salad—

Even the salad at the warehouse in Cheyenne?

Even the salad at the warehouse in Cheyenne, Chris.

As I was saying, if we gun him and he has all the salad

and by all the salad I do mean all the salad

DAN, DAN DAN

GO THE HORNETS

and the gentle little Reboks flap their velcro straps.

Ankle deep in sweet chocolate pudding

the rebel gets his ass trash talked.

He’ll need two salads

to stumble to this death.

They tell me they call you the stone salad.

Guess they named a lot of that trash after salad.

Anything wrong with that?

I’m saying that the salad you’re named after was trash itself.

That salad and all the rest of the salads.

BANG!

ONE LESS SOD BUSTER, EASY AS PIE.

The rebel’s chest looks like:

a dead bird choking on an asterisk

PAUSE

ten minutes of total abandonment

into a deep recess of processed cheese

The Swede has a nice fence made of sloyd.

Joe and Stark water their horses.

The Swede talks about the new menu at Grafton’s,

conspicuous number of over-priced salads.

CHAPTER

I PASS LEWIS, HIM AND HIS MISTRESS

Marion, honey, you get ready. Shane, hitch up the team.

Marion: What are you going to do Joe?

Joe: Go to town. I’m gonna see about this.

Marion: Town exploded about five minutes ago Joe.

Shane: She’s right Joe.

The Swede thinks the other homesteaders will run.

Fred is worried he’ll talk too much at the funeral.

Mourners weep in an open field.

The scruffy hound helps push the casket down.

Shane looks good in his ready-made pants.

LYNN LYNN LYNN

VIOLIN LIN LINS

I want to take this moment to say that Riker has cool hair.

Very cool hair.

Shane Title

LYNN LYNN LYNN

VIOLIN LIN LINS

when will they quit it with the strings?

JOE HAS A VISION FOR THE VALLEY

Churches, graveyards, schools,

places where men can eat salad in peace—

A man can trip over a salad in the dark.

Shipstead broke a wagon wheel on a murky tofu pup someone left in the street.

Why was that ever allowed in the road?

This is farming country.

God didn’t make all this land just so one man could run a yogurt operation on it.

Shane can’t tell Joe what’s right.

Lewis’ place burns to the ground.

[fuck] Joe.

[fuck] Marion.

[fuck] Lewis.

Tired hands.

Semen

Semen thick as yogurt.

Put out the fire boys!

All the horses run toward the fire.

Shane’s hard boiled egg cools by the window.

Little Joe tries to make a move on it.

Shane shoots him an I’ll kick your ass kid look.

Shane is so uptight about his boiled eggs.

His fringes can only soften the threat so much.

Stark’s up aginst a stacked deck

but Stark doesn’t want to be reasonable.

Shane?

Who is it?

Chris Calloway

I’m quittin Riker.

Thanks for the salad.

Joey goes BANG

BANG BANG, BANG

BANG, BANG BANG

BANG, BANG BANG

BANG BANG,

BANG BANG BANG

JESUS CHRIST JOEY

GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE!!!

What are you banging for? this shack?

I’m sick of it, I’m sick of trouble.

I don’t love salad anymore.

Marion don’t say that.

You love salad more than anyone.

Joey is about to utter some strong strong words.

The salad he had for lunch isn’t sitting right.

Shane! You hit him with your gun!

I HATE YOU.

You don’t hate Shane Joey

I know mother.

Joey says nothing about the cigarette he smoked at lunch.

Shrill shrill noises reminding me of toothaces,

Tight little trumpets like murderous dental tools.

This movie is entirely about dental work,

A movie about dental plans and dental procedures

and dentists who murder their patients.

Shane’s costume is on display in New York

You can touch the old toothpaste crusted to his ready-made pants.

You have to wear gloves.

OK.

Big fight scene,

salad everywhere

dark and dramatic salad.

Grafton’s place is looking super tonight!

And here comes Riker

who has no squirrels with Shane.

I got no squirrels with you Shane.

It’s Stark or whatever his name is I want.

You can walk out now and take all the salad.

Just call it a tip from Riker’s Yogurt.

Your days selling yogurt are over, Riker.

My days?

What about your days?

Not quite yet, Riker. We haven’t heard from Jack Wilson.

So you’re Jack Wilson.

I’ve heard about you.

Oh yeah, what have you heard?

I’ve heard you come from bum fuck Cheyenne

raised by a low down dirty salad

and a no good empty salad bowl.

I wouldn’t push too far if I were you.

How far should I push?

(stretched hands) (thought about penis)

(thought about the places I’ve been) (my

penis always right there beside me) (right

there by my hand) (about all the times I’ll

pee in this life and all the times I have) (moments

rising from dust and disappearing into sand) (timeless

moments disappearing) (always disappearing)

(so close to my gun) (my hand) (my hand

always so close to my gun)

BANG!

dressing everywhere

dressing murder and salad

It was too easy to kill Wilson.

Joey, get the salad.

Men are about to start falling from the sky

with little croutons in their eyes.

That him, Shane? That Wilson, Shane?

That was him Joey. He was fast, fast on the draw.

Can’t I ride home with you, Shane?

Afraid not Joey.

Why not Shane?

A man has to be what he is. Can’t break the mold.

Do you want a salad before you go, Shane?

Sure, Joey. Why not.

Shane, it’s bloody....

that’s okay Joey

this isn’t the first bloody salad I’ve had before

Shaaaa—aaaa—aaa—ne

come baaaa—aaaa—aaaack

Byyyeeeyyyqyeeeeyyyyeee Shane